It's not so complicated

I can't stand firm on one side or the other, when i lack proof to dismember the belief of one God. Even though i have a very scientific mind and want proof for everything. Maybe it is beyond the capacity of the human brain. I don't believe in testaments or organized religion, but i do believe in the possibility of a creator or existence in some form. I have heard enough stories that would be construed as miracles, to be open to something bigger than us.
I grew up very religious and mostly out of the fear instilled by others, and mainly churches. I slowly learned to question what didn't make sense and established a very open mind in the process. The stories i could tell you i was told would frighten you into believing. That, unfortunately is how i became so devoted to one god. The one man who supposedly died for our sins. They teach you that you are basically born a sinner, as he died for your sins. We are the growth of the sin that once was. The sin ancestors, the ... sini..sisters, if you will.
With all that said, i don't want to be labeled spiritual, but that is usually what category i'd be lumped into. :) Nothing could be further from logic than believing there exists no possibility beyond us, if we manifested or came from something "in the beginning" This isn't something profound, it's just simple deduction. The thing i struggle with is narrowing it down to one entity or thing and i think i will do that for as long as i live. Are we star dust or are we so much more than comprehensible?
I'm honestly jealous of those who are sure of an ever presence light guiding over them. No matter what cruelty overcomes them or a loved one, despite all that's wrong in this world, they see a safety in something not shown. They go by the faith, belief based on feeling and what was told to them. They believe that all the wrong that happens is for a reason. The very thing i cannot wrap my head around. all the anguish, all the horrific accidents that occur every day, every min, are all meant to be. I cannot accept this. I wish i could.
I wish that i had the capability of ignoring all the reasons to stay firmly "undecided", like a major. I major in indecision when it comes to a lot of things. All through college i had an art goal, but really i was forever undecided. I am undeclared, but i am alright with that. I think for me, it is better to be open to more than what is told to me. The beauty in this world is far too great to me, to be created solely by one 'thing'.
Again, i so deeply want that solace you find in your savior. Maybe one day, i will find that in myself. My goal is to come to terms with the fact that i don't know.
I respect anyone who believes anything. People come from all walks of life, all different experiences and upbringing. To judge them solely based on the conclusion they came to about the after world, would be akin to judging someone based on how they dress, what food they eat, how they deal with issues. Everyone deals with things differently. When they happen to differ from you, there is no logical reason for you to hate them because they don't believe the same as you.
How did we get to this point where we let our children grow up judging people? Why is religion such a sensitive subject? How daft of a thing to be sensitive over when there are so many other things to fight for that actually harm us. The only reason religion harms us is because we let it. It could be a very pleasant sanctity for all of us, if we would stop judging.

Don't take my brush.

I love how the subconsciousness takes an everyday inanimate object and makes it the focal point of a dream, yet it stands for something much deeper.

Someone had a brush of mine, of all things, and waived it around at me. Either i had a really bad hair day, and they liked that they had control over it. Or simply, they had something i wanted so desperately, like a dog salivating for treats, but could never obtain.

This may stand for me constantly trying to obtain something, which goes with the theme of my life right now. Yeah, i know it's just a mashup of things in your head and what you saw during the day mostly, but i still like to analyze. I think part of dreams are telling in some ways. After all, they are your thoughts.